July 31st, 2007
at 11:50 pm
(Uncategorized)
Just a short note tonight since Seth has already posted the info. We went to see the oncologist today. He suggests a 5 week treatment of chemo/radiation combo. Will go for radiation 5 days a week for 5 weeks all the while taking two chemo pills in the morning and two chemo pills in the evening. Then I’ll get a well deserved 3 week break and move on to a 6 month round of chemo. This round will require a port that will be inserted near my collar bone. He said they can leave the ports in for years. I sure hope it’s not like the stent that could be left in for 6 months at a time!!! NO THANK YOU!
I go to see the radiation oncologist tomorrow and will find out more and may receive my tattoos! Doesn’t that sound exciting? I probably will not begin treatment for another week and a half to give my body more time to heal from surgery.
The oncologist was very positive about my continuing to work while undergoing treatments and somewhat downplayed side effects. He mentioned them, but didn’t make a big deal out of them. I’m not sure if it’s like the prescription commercials that use an auctioneer to describe the host of side effects of a medication or if he’s really thinking I won’t have horrible side effects.
To answer the most common question – I will most likely not lose my hair.
So, I guess I’m ready…bring on the rays….
8 Comments
July 30th, 2007
at 11:57 pm
(Uncategorized)
I haven’t been to church in a LONG time for various reasons. I’ve missed it! So yesterday I decided that I really wanted to go to church. Now I have to admit that my pride did begin to swell within me and cause some thought patterns along the lines of – “Oh sure. You get cancer and you go to church” or “People are going to think you came because you have cancer.” And I almost listened and abandoned the whole idea. I mean I’ve got a great excuse, right? I’m only two weeks out from surgery and no one expects me to be doing anything at this point.
I couldn’t shake the desire to be in church though. You may think it’s because I grew up in church and it’s tradition. Or maybe you think I’ve been rebellious and am returning to church because I have cancer and think going to church will bring me closer to God. Or maybe you don’t really care why I wanted to go to church. But I do. Going to church is like going home and much more.
Church is not (or maybe I should say – should not be) a place where we just go. Church is not the place to go and “get right” after a sinful week of living. Church is not a lot of the things we’ve made it to be. So, then, what is church?
Now before I answer, let me just say that I’m not going to qualify everything I say in my blogs, but I’m going to in this case. I am coming from the point of someone who has been saved by grace through faith and believes that Jesus Christ is the only Son of God the Father. He came to earth and lived a sinless life and died a wretched, horrible death on a cross, was buried and three days later rose from the grave so that the sins of His people could be forgiven and their relationship with God restored for now and forevermore. So by church I mean the gathering of people who believe this same thing. Not denominations, but believers.
I have missed being with God’s people and worshipping. I didn’t really feel up to going to the church we had been attending because it is about a 30 minute drive. And the church plant we are involved with will not start meeting on Sunday mornings until September. So, I suggested we go back to a familiar church in town because it was closer and if I began to feel bad (or need my own bathroom), we could quickly get back home.
We were late arriving (as usual) and were able to slip in the back. I liked this because church tends to be the one place where I feel more emotional. It is not because of some kind of manipulation from the pulpit or soft music playing from the background, but because I can feel the presence of the Lord. Now, I do not like to be emotional in front of people. I prefer to keep that to myself. So, it worked out very well yesterday that we could slip in almost unnoticed.
I was reminded of the verses in Psalm 73 that say, “But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end.” The notes in my study Bible say that “this” refers to the prosperity of the wicked and the suffering of the righteous. And it explains “into the sanctuary” as the change came for him [the author] when he entered the presence of God revealed in the temple. That’s what going to church is for me. I often get bogged down with the weight of things of the world – cancer, for instance – but then I enter the sanctuary of God and I understand once again that God is very real, very here, and very in control even of things that seem out of control. The Holy Spirit of God dwells within each believer causing our bodies to now be our “temples.” When you gather together all these “temples,” the presence of God is great.
During this worship service, the pastor prayed specifically for me as I battle cancer and he didn’t know I was present. During the offertory, the pianist played an old hymn, It is Well, which is my favorite hymn and I hadn’t requested it. During the sermon, the pastor used Psalm 139, one of my favorite passages that I memorized with a college roommate years ago and very applicable to my situation. And then, he touched on a very sore spot and spiritual cancer in my life for quite some time now – resentment. All coincidence? I think not. Correction – I know not.
Just like Psalm 139 says “all of my days were ordained for me before one of them came to be.” Yesterday it was ordained for me to spend an hour at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Gainesville, GA to once again feel God’s presence in and on my life. He is a God of great detail and it mattered to Him that I know He is with me. And He will be with me (and Seth) as I walk into a doctor’s office I never imagined I would see. I finally have my visit with the oncologist tomorrow and find out what lies ahead. And though I’m feeling a bit anxious and wondering what information I will receive, I am confident that God is not surprised. I pray that tomorrow He brings to my mind once again the song I heard playing Sunday:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
1 Comment
July 27th, 2007
at 9:56 pm
(Uncategorized)
Warning: The following information may be TMI – too much information – for some of you. However, I know that some of you have had interest in specifically what is going on medically. The information that follows is what I was given at my visit with the surgeon yesterday, Thursday, July 26.
My visit did not turn out as I had expected. I really thought it would be a short and sweet check up and I’d be on my way. However, I found out that a team of doctors met this week to discuss my “case.” Here’s what I found out:
The lymph nodes were clear; however, the cancer did go through the colon wall. (This much I knew already. I just did not know what it meant that the cancer went through the wall.) It appears that the cancer went through the wall at the lowest portion of the sigmoid colon where the colon and the rectum meet. So, the doctors are classifying this as rectal cancer. Well, I had read enough to know that rectal cancer is worse than colon cancer. It is somewhat harder to treat and has a high rate of reoccurrence locally. Not what I wanted to hear!
The surgeon thought that I will probably need radiation and chemotherapy because of the location of the cancer. If the cancer had only been in the colon, there was a high probability that I would only need surgery and maybe some chemo. Now that they have determined that the cancer was so much lower, I will need more aggressive treatment. Of course, I do not know for sure what course of action I will take since I do not meet with the oncologist until Tuesday.
The doctors also discussed the spots on my lungs and are not yet ready to call them metastases. They do not think that a PET scan would help at this point since benign things can show up on a PET scan also and we would not know anymore than we know now. However, they have staged the cancer as IIB which means that the cancer has spread through the colon or rectum to nearby organs. It has not spread to the nearby lymph nodes. Now, she didn’t say what nearby organs they are referring to and I’ll just have to get more information from the oncologist. Plus, the above definition is from a website I found and she did tell me that there are different ways to stage colon cancer. So, I’ll have to clarify that on Tuesday since I’ve had more time to absorb what was said.
I guess that’s about the long and short of it for now. I feel that I am healing very well from surgery. It’s just taking some time to get my energy back. I’m ready for the visit with the oncologist and to get on with the next step. Every step forward is a step closer to the end – of treatments!
5 Comments
July 27th, 2007
at 10:09 am
(Uncategorized)
A few days ago a package came via FedEx. It was addressed to Seth, so I didn’t open it, but I saw that the return address was the Lance Armstrong Foundation. I mashed around on the package and figured out what he had ordered. He had ordered some wristbands. You know the rubbery, waterproof ones that people wear to remind themselves and others about certain issues. Later when Seth opened the package, I saw bright yellow wristbands that said “Live Strong” on them. Each package says something to the effect of wearing these wristbands in support of people living with or through cancer and encouraging them to “live strong.” My first thought was, “Oh my gosh, I’ve got cancer!”
Now, I know I have cancer and you know I have cancer, but somedays I REALLY know I have cancer. At this point, I am feeling really well. I tire easily, but other than that, I’m not hurting. I feel like I’ve had some surgery – like my appendix or gall bladder removed. I have in my head that with each day I’ll begin to feel better and stronger and that’s that. It will all be over. Then I snap back to reality and realize that I still have to see the oncologist and determine what, if any, treatment is needed. Ok, another reality check…treatment is needed because the cancer did go through the colon wall.
So, once again I have to put myself back in the ranks of those living with cancer. I looked up the Lance Armstrong Foundation’s website and found some helpful resources. I have also been reading the survivor stories and trying to find one that mirrors mine. One thing that I have found interesting is reading how different people cope with cancer. Under Lance Armstrong’s story he says the following:
Hope can come from many ways. Certain people are very religious, so they find a lot of hope in religion or a belief that they have. Others can have hope in themselves, hope in the process, in the treatment, in the drugs, in the history that has come before them in proving that people can live and survive and thrive.
Live strong is exactly I guess what it says. It’s one thing to live, but it’s another thing to live strong, to attack the day and attack your life with a whole new attitude. This was a gift for me. I guess before the illness I just lived. Now, after the illness, I live strong.
Now while I find these words somewhat inspiring at first glance, upon more careful observation I find them sad. I began to think about what the Bible says about being strong. I did a quick search of some verses that include the word strong and here is some of what I found:
Deuteronomy 31:6Â - Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
2 Samuel 22:33 – This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless.
1 Chronicles 22:13 – Then you will prosper if you are careful to observe the statutes and the rules that the Lord commanded Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Fear not; do not be dismayed.
Psalm 27:14 – Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Proverbs 18:10 – The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.
Ephesians 6:10 – Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Obviously, this is not an exhaustive search and I am certainly not a theologian, but what I am reminded of over and over reading these verses is the fact that I can live strong because of the Lord. I cannot live strong because of religion, or a belief, or myself, or a process, or treatment, or drugs, or a history that people can live and survive and thrive. I can only find my hope in my Savior and from him draw strength. Strength to face each doctor’s appointment, strength to face treatment, and strength to face the fact that my cancer has a high incidence of reoccurring locally.
I, too, have a different attitude toward life and I, too, am determined to not just live anymore, but “live strong.” However, I know that I can only live strong because of the Lord. He is my source of strength each day. I am frail, anxious, and often very tired. But I have confidence that God’s word is true and 2 Corinthians 12:8 & 9 says “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
On the Lance Armstrong website, they have many pictures of survivors and the caption is always the same – “I am ____. I live strong.” I would like my picture there too with a slight modification to the caption.
I am Leslie. I live strong because of the Lord.
4 Comments
July 22nd, 2007
at 11:12 pm
(Uncategorized)
All the chicks are safely gathered in the nest tonight and resting peacefully. Mama Hen is very happy to have everyone together again. Of course, it didn’t take long for the chicks to begin “pecking” on each other, but at least things returned to normal quickly. 
4 Comments
July 22nd, 2007
at 11:00 am
(Uncategorized)
Yesterday was such a beautiful day. I opened the windows and was able to feel a wonderful, cool breeze. It was nice to feel a bit of the outdoors since I’ve been basically confined for a week. There is something about the sunshine and cool breezes that lifts my mood and spirit.
I am so glad to have the girls home. They are so funny to watch. They seem like they each filled out while they were gone. They just look so much bigger when they walked in the door. I cannot wait until the last one returns today! I have missed him so much and know that he has probably grown a foot since I last saw him. He has had the best time with his cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandparents and I’m not sure he really wants to come home, but I’m definitely ready for him to be here.
Though yesterday was such a great day, I had difficulty going to sleep last night. I think it probably had mostly to do with drinking some Chick-Fil-A sweet tea. Caffeine tends to have that effect on me. However, I often feel more anxiety at night also. I find it difficult to breathe and find myself having to take long, deep breaths. I’m not even sure that I can pinpoint what the major issue is. My surgery went well. My prognosis looks very good. Maybe it’s the “not knowing” of treatment. I pray and I know God hears. But, He doesn’t instantly take away the anxiety.
I began reading a book on suffering by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes called When God Weeps. A friend from Berachah Bible Church sent it to me. I’m only on page 56 and it is very powerful. They seek to answer how a loving God allows, permits, or ordains suffering. I’ll have to give a synopsis at a later date.
I really don’t consider myself as suffering right now. What I have gone through and am going through is miniscule compared to so many others. We have friends and family that are going through and have gone through things that are far worse and far more painful physically and emotionally. I just find that lately I am acutely aware of suffering everywhere. I hurt very deeply for others. I am much more sensitive these days and sometimes I’m just sad.
I’m sad when I think of my grandmother in a nursing home and sad when I think of my grandfather at home alone. I’m sad when I think of the other men and women in the nursing home. I’m sad when I think of other cancer patients who have been told their condition is terminal. I’m sad when I think of people in the hospital in pain. I’m sad when I think of children who are mistreated. I’m sad when I think of the conditions around the world others must live in. I’m sad when I think of the devastating effects of sin.
I may be more emotional for a while. I even teared up this morning when Campbell Brown announced this was her last weekend on the Today show. I’m sure with time I won’t be as emotional, but I pray I am always as sensitive as I feel now.
4 Comments
July 20th, 2007
at 10:15 pm
(Uncategorized)
That’s pretty much what I have felt like today. I had a good night’s rest for the most part. I’m thinking that maybe the “tired” part is catching up with me now that the horrible “pain” part is over for now. I haven’t even had to have any pain medication since 12 pm yesterday.
I managed to pudder around some today. (Don’t read that part Mom.) However, it seems that I’m unable to be up very long before I’m pretty tired. I don’t like this part of the recovery. I feel like I should be able to just get up and get around and do what I need to do, but I tire very easily. It’s much better than being in pain though.
I did not accomplish anything today except for making some chicken salad. It was very good and I was actually able to eat it. I have not had much of an appetite since I’ve been home. Nothing sounds good and eating only a few bites usually makes my stomach hurt anyway.
My sweet sister-in-law, Kristin, stayed with me again today. She is such a blessing! She if fun to be around and is so very helpful. She has already given a great deal of her time in helping me.
Seth met my sister and brother-in-law tonight and got the girls. I am so glad they are home! What a joy to see them. They have grown a ton since they’ve been gone! I really missed them. I am still missing one. He should be back this weekend and we will finally reunite as a family. I can’t wait!!!
I still have so many things to write, but just haven’t found the energy yet. It would appear that I have the whole day to do it, but, alas, I just sit. Sometimes I sit and write, and sometimes I just sit. After this full day of sitting, it’s time to go to bed. It’s good to change positions every now and then!
5 Comments
July 19th, 2007
at 10:39 pm
(Uncategorized)
What can you do with a skinny, blue tube? Well, I can tell you one thing - inflict excruciating pain and discomfort while also serving a medical purpose. The skinny, blue tube is called a stent. Before surgery, a urologist put in two stents to aide the surgeon in identifying the ureter tubes during surgery. She said that the tubes are small and often hard to see and feel. One skinny, blue tube was removed immediately following surgery. The other tube had two nice, black strings attached to it so that it could easily be retrieved later. He told us today that they are not both removed at the same time because it often causes irritation and the inability to urinate.
On Sunday morning the surgeon went to easily remove the stent and instead of there being two nice, black strings, there was only one. When she pulled the string, it broke. That left her holding one nice, black string and me still holding one skinny, blue tube – inside! ”Well, I’ve never had that happen before,” she says. Not exactly something you wanna hear a doctor say, you know what I mean?!
She explained that she would talk to the urologist and see what he wanted to do. If I had it removed in the hospital, I would have to go to the operating room because that is the only place they have the necessary equipment. Otherwise, I would just wait until I was discharged and go to the urologist office to have it removed. It’s a routine procedure. Yeah, not for me!
Anyway, the urologist on call came by and said that we should just leave it in and make an appointment for after my discharge. He explained that stents are common and can be left in for up to six months. Whatever!
I came home and noticed that yesterday I was experiencing much more discomfort than I had in the hospital. When the nurse called and I relayed that feeling to her she said, “I’ll tell her [the surgeon] that you are doing as well as can be expected.” So, I thought all was “normal.” However, as the evening went on I began to feel more and more pain. Finally the pain became almost unbearable. I could not find a comfortable position in which to rest.
Finally, around 1 am I called the Nurseline and described my symptoms and asked what I needed to do. I was transferred to the charge nurse and then told to call the urologist’s office to contact the doctor on call. SO, I called the urologist’s office and their machine says to call 911 if you have an emergency. Now, that makes sense. I called the Nurseline back and re-relayed everything that had happened and was transferred to the operator. She said that she would contact the doctor on call. He called back rather quickly and probably should have taken more than a minute to wake up before calling. His voice was almost inaudible and he sounded as if his lips were only opening a quarter of the way. He assured me that all my symptoms were normal and told me to call the office in the morning and tell them that I wanted that “thing” out. I made SURE there was nothing to do at the moment and he said no. Although I was prepared to go to the ER, I settled in the recliner and tried to find some position to make the pain bearable.
I finally dozed and woke up around 4 pm. I took some more pain meds and moved to the couch. I was able to get almost 2 more hours of sleep before awakening with the same gosh awful pain. I decided to get up and get ready. You’d better believe I was calling the minute that office opened if I was standing on the doorstep the minute before. I finished getting ready and shifted and squirmed as best I could to get comfortable.
FINALLY, 8:29 arrived and I started calling a minute early. No answer, of course. But right at 8:30 someone answered. I told her the whole story and I guess since I could hardly talk and breathe she felt sorry for me. She told me to come in at 9:30, so I began watching the minutes.
My mom took me to the office and within 30 minutes or so, I was basically pain free. The urologist took the stent out – a procedure that took only about 1 minute! Mom and I were in shock at what a stent looks like though. It was huge! No wonder I was in so much pain. Needless to say, I have felt great relief today and am looking forward to a great night tonight. I have not even needed any pain med since 12 pm today. I’ll probably take some Advil before bed and call it a day.
2 Comments
July 18th, 2007
at 11:36 pm
(Uncategorized)
I know most of you already know all the information that I will be posting in my next several blogs. Seth has done such a wonderful job of keeping his blog up to date so that we can let all those interested know what has gone on over the last several days of my surgery and hospital stay. As I said in my About page, I decided to use this blog as outlet for me and to record things for my children. It just happens to be on the world wide web for anyone to read – kinda like being inside my head – ok, not really! That’s scary! So, anyway, you may not need to read the next several blogs. Most of it will be a repeat of things Seth has already shared, just from my perspective. I’ve just got lots pent up that I want to get out on paper so that I can go back at the “end” of this journey and reread it for myself.
I was discharged from the hospital yesterday around 5:30 pm or so, I think. (Dates and times don’t stick anymore, except for the dates of times of my next doctor’s appointments.)
I felt great and came home thinking I could conquer the world and was so glad to be home. I probably did a little too much for first getting home, but I felt wonderful physically and emotionally. (Yeah, you know what’s eventually coming…no foreshadowing needed here, huh?) I got ready and went to bed thinking, “Oh my own bed! How wonderful!” I lay down in bed and started thinking, “Ow! Ow! Owwwwwwwwww! This hurts!” I had no buttons or controls to reach over and adjust on the sides to make myself more comfortable. I ended up stuffing a pillow near my stomach to ease some of the pain. I finally went to sleep and woke up only to take some more pain meds.
This morning I felt a little more sore than yesterday. It seemed harder to move around and I was a bit more uncomfortable. It pretty much stayed that way all day. Not exactly what I expected. I sent Seth to work, against his will I might add, and my mom came over to stay with me today. Last night I didn’t think I needed a babysitter ALL day long. But, when this morning came, I was sucking my thumb in the recliner and waiting on her to get here!
I was perched in the recliner all day today, getting up only to go to the restroom on occasion. After my mom fixed our breakfast, she began scurrying around doing laundry and straightening up the house. She was definitely NOT a baby sitter, because she did not sit all day long! My dad came over and then went to get us some lunch. Poppie came over and had lunch with us also. Then Kristin, my sister-in-law, and my sweet little three month old niece came over too. Mom and Kristin ran around the house doing all sorts of things today. They’ve done muchos loads of laundry, cooked, and cleaned. Thank you guys!
Now one thing I’ve noticed today is that the only thing that “being waited on” and “being taken care of” have in common is that they both end in a preposition. When you are “being waited on,” you think of being on vacation or eating out in a restaurant. It evokes pleasant thoughts of being spoiled and pampered while you are feeling absolutely wonderful. When you are “being taken care of,” you know there is something wrong with you! People have to do things for you because you can’t do them for yourself. People bring you things because you can’t or don’t need to get up from the chair or bed. All of this has nothing to do with the other people involved. It has to do with what you know is going on yourself. “Being waited on” means you are ok and feeling fine and “being taken care of” means you are sick. I had GREAT caretakers today who were kind and considerate and went above and beyond for me today. But, I’m sick. And, unfortunately that was hard for me to forget today.
Today was not as bad as it could have been, but it was not as good as I wanted it to be. I hurt today and was a bit overcome with emotion by all the visits, cards, emails, comments, gifts, etc that we’ve received. I am humbled by those who don’t even know us and still pray for us and care; and even more humbled by those who DO know us and still pray for us and care. I have much I want to write, but it is late and I’m tired and hurting.
This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
When I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
Some lyrics from Martina McBride as I close tonight. It’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today, but I’m believin’ it anyway. I think the Lortab has kicked in and it’s time to grab some zzzz’s while I can. I’ve got 4 hours until it wears off! Maybe I can write more tomorrow….I’ll believe it anyway….:-)
5 Comments
July 13th, 2007
at 12:05 am
(Uncategorized)
Well, this is it before my surgery tomorrow. I have 3 more minutes to take my last sip of water. Thankfully, I’ll go in early and probably won’t have to wait long.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you have prayed fervently on our behalf. Thank you to those who have helped and offered to help. Thank you to those who have kept the kids and those who have offered to keep the kids. Thank you to all of you who have said “I love you” to us in the past two weeks. God has used you and He has used this circumstance in our life. Don’t feel sorry for us. We are right where God wants us to be and, praise the Lord, it is near Him.
I go in tomorrow at 6 am and surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am. I am scared and anxious. I am also unprepared for the pain afterward. I know God has heard all of our prayers for healing. But I want you to know that no matter the outcome I can say with Job, “though he slay me, I will hope in him” (Job 13:15).
If you want to know how things go tomorrow, check Seth’s blog (www.bovinetheology.com) for updates.
Good night…
7 Comments