October 30th, 2007
at 10:10 pm
(Uncategorized)
I had four really good days in a row. That lifted my spirits and allowed me to better prepare for today. I did have a rough night Monday night due to a seemingly harmless bowl of cereal with room temperature milk, of course (you can buy it that way at the store). I’m not supposed to do cold stuff since one of the meds causes a reaction to cold. Anyway, I found out today that some of my meds do not react well with dairy, so that explains the sleepless night. Lesson learned!
I went in today for my second treatment. All went well. I’m sitting beside my two day friend (the poison pump of 5 FU) and will get to return it on Thursday. It is a freeing feeling to get rid of it. My oncologist decreased my dosages by 10% to lessen some of the horrible side effects I had last time. Hopefully this time will be better. So far I’m not sick just very, very lethargic.
My father-in-law sent an email today with a link to a very powerful testimony of God’s goodness and faithfulness given by a young man who was born without limbs. One of the things that he says that hit me was that we cannot and should not compare our sufferings, but we should come together as the family of God and stand together on the promises of God. Our family has gone through and is going through some really tough times. So are many, many more people. We should not compare our sufferings.
Please take the time to watch this video. If the link doesn’t work, let me know. Leave a comment and I’ll speak with the resident techy and see if he can help me. The video is about 14 minutes, but it is really worth it.
God really is good ALL THE TIME!
http://www.wretch.cc/video/ritahsia&func=single&vid=2282608&o=time_d&p=0*
For more information go to: http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/index.php
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October 26th, 2007
at 8:23 pm
(Uncategorized)
Hopefully, this is a good sign for a good weekend!
4 Comments
October 24th, 2007
at 10:17 am
(Uncategorized)
I actually got an entire night’s sleep Monday night. No one got up. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t wake up at all! What a miracle! I was able to actually get up without much effort at all. I still move slowly, but, hey, it was an improvement. I went to work and had a good day until about 1 o’clock. I ate a few bites of my lunch and it wasn’t long until I began feeling sick. Unfortunately, I did get sick at work, but thought it would pass. I gathered up my children and we headed home. I was still not feeling up to par, but, again thought it would wear off eventually. We then went on over to my mom and dad’s house to stay for the afternoon and for dinner.
I thought I was going to be able to eat a few bites and even took a half an Imodium just to be on the safe side. Well, it didn’t work. I got a few bites down, but it wasn’t long until I got very sick. I ended up taking more Imodium that took a while to work. Seth had to bring the kids on home and get them to bed while I waited until I was able to even ride home. My parents brought me home (even though my mom wanted to take me on to the ER) and I went straight to bed. I did take Phenegran and that quickly knocked me out.
So, needless to say, yesterday ended far from where it had started. I think I’ve figured out that if I just don’t eat, I usually feel much better. I did talk with my oncologist yesterday and he said that on Tuesday we will talk about things and probably adjust the dosage of chemo meds. I sure hope so!
Then, to add insult to injury and make this blog post even more positive, two of the kids got up throughout the night. Four of us ended up all squished in the bed this morning. This morning was a bit hard and the kids were late to school again. We truly feel like we are doing the best we can, but I’m just not sure what you do when your best just doesn’t seem good enough.
However, as I write, one of Carrie Underwood’s songs is playing in the background and this line is really “speaking to me” – “sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand.” Another very powerful part of the song is:
 It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide
It swallows you whole
While you’re sittin round thinking about what you can’t change
And worryin’ about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can’t get it back
I know that one day we are going to look back and this mountain that is beginning to seem impossible to climb will seem just like a grain of sand. We are in no way going through the hardest thing anyone can go through by any stretch of the imagination. Right now, I can think of four families I know that are experiencing very, very difficult situations. My heart aches for them and I have desperately prayed for them. Sometimes I feel that when I really write what is going on in our lives at the time it may sound like a pity party. It is in no way. It’s just that it feels like walking through a swamp with lead boots right now.
We will get through this. And I pray that God will get the glory.
3 Comments
October 21st, 2007
at 10:48 pm
(Uncategorized)
I had the following conversation with my son several weeks ago because he was wearing one of the Living Strong bracelet. (I’m the mom and he’s the son. 
)
Mom: Why are you wearing that bracelet?
Son: Because my mom had surgery.
Mom: Noooo. I did have surgery, but that’s not what the bracelet is for. What do I have?
Son: Bronchitis?
Mom:No (laughing).
Son: (laughing) Oh no. That’s me. Asthma?
Mom: No. Come in here and let me tell you. (We start to go in the garage and he tries to walk off with Seth. Seth tells him, “Go in and listen to your mom.” So we go into the garage and I sit down.)
Mom: Remember Mommy told you, I have cancer.
Son: Oh yeah. Now I know. Can I go now?
I just had to laugh and think to myself that I want to feel that way. Ok…now I know. Can I go now? So, I was feeling pretty good that maybe he wasn’t grasping as much about the situation as I thought he was. Until today. We had the following conversation today.Â
Son: Mom, are you going to live? (He kinda laughs.)
Mom: What?
Son: Are you going to live?
Mom: Why are you asking me that?
Son: ‘Cause you’ve been so sick and weak. (He runs off down the hallway.)
Mom: Did someone ask you that or are you asking for yourself?
Son: (laughing) No. I just asked myself. (He comes running back into the living room.)
Mom: Are you worried about me?
Son: Yeah, that you might d-i-e. (He’s very into spelling things out these days.)
Mom: Come here. (He comes over, but at that moment one of the girls come up.) Now I have been really sick, but…(we are interrupted and he’s off to the computer.)
So, now obviously, I can’t just let a conversation like that go without a follow up. So later we have the following conversation.
Mom: Are you concerned about me?
Son: (playing a game on the computer) What?
Mom: Are you concerned about me?
Son: (without taking his eyes off the screen) What does that mean?
Mom: Are you worried about me or something?
Son: (laughing) No.
Mom: Well, you asked some questions today about whether or not I was going to live.
Son: Oh, I was just kidding.
Mom: Were you really? Because it’s ok to ask questions.
Son: (he’s hardly looking away from the computer) Well, you’ve just been really sick.
Mom: Come over here. It’s ok to be worried some and have questions. What bothers you?
Son: Just that you’ve been so sick.
I go on to explain that I do have to take some very strong medicine that is trying to get rid of some bad stuff in my body and that medicine is making me sick. We talk a little more and while I’m talking he gets off the bed and goes back over to the computer. Now I’m about to say very sternly, “What do you think you are doing?” when he grabs the mouse and says, “We don’t get to spend much time together. Do you want to play a game?” as he closes his game on the computer.
 So, we did. I told him to pick and guess what game we played – Operation. Fitting, don’t you think?
Kids are smart and they know a lot more than we often give them credit for.
3 Comments
October 21st, 2007
at 10:07 pm
(Uncategorized)
Sometimes when people pass away you may hear someone say, “May they rest in peace.” (Maybe that’s only on the movies, but bear with me here.) Well, in the long hours of the night it struck me that “they” are already resting in peace (considering, of course, that they had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ). WE, the ones who are left, are the ones who can’t seem to rest in peace. Or at least that has been the case for me lately.
First, when all is dark and quiet at night is when I seem to be able to focus on how much I miss my grandmother and it begins to sink in that she is really gone. I’ll think of a thousand memories or think of something that I wish I could ask her because she’s the only one who would know the answer. I wonder why I couldn’t have more time to spend with her. Second, my side effects from medications, etc are always worse at night for some reason. I have had several sleepless nights that included much pain. It is very discouraging. I was just beginning to feel better and now, unfortunately, I have to travel the “treatment road.” It’s hard to think that the treatments are the best thing for me. They are horrible. I made it through radiation (and chemo) even when I thought I might not, but this time it will be much, much longer. So, yes, I am discouraged already. I’ve had a positive outlook and kept my chin up for the most part through all of this, but now, I’m tired of playing this game. I’m ready for it to be over. And lastly, our children are nocturnal. I do not know what the deal is, but they like to get up and down during the night. I finally put a sleeping bag beside our bed and they are allowed to go to the sleeping bag instead of getting in the bed with us. Now this works very well until one child occupies the bag and then another one gets up. It really does not work for them to get in the bed with us because there is just not enough room and it is uncomfortable.
So, lately, the nights have been long and that makes the days hard. Now, lest you think I’m all gloom and doom today, please know that I’m not. I had a good week the week before chemo. I made it through an entire week at work. I felt almost normal, just tired after work. I couldn’t do everything that I used to, but I could at least function. But then came Tuesday. I wasn’t anticipating problems with chemo so early. I even went to work on Wednesday with my chemo pump. It all went downhill quickly on Wednesday night. I didn’t get to sleep until about 4:45 in the morning and that was only for 45 minutes. I think that the premeds they gave me on Tuesday caused all of that. Thursday wasn’t much better, but by Friday evening I was feeling pretty good. I had this spurt of energy that gave me such encouragement. I thought, “Hooray! I’m going to make it afterall!” Then I had a rough night Friday night and woke up in pain during the night. So, I spent all day Saturday in the bed trying not to move so that I wouldn’t have to run to the bathroom. This caused major dejavu as I felt like I was reliving my radiation days. I even told Seth, “I can’t do this for 6 months.” Of course, he tried to be encouraging and said that maybe it wouldn’t be like this the whole 6 months. Yeah, maybe.
I do feel some better today. I realized yesterday that IÂ am not going to take the antinausea meds they gave me because of the other effects it has on me. I was able to take some more stuff last night to counteract those effects and then take something around 2 this morning to counteract the effects of that stuff. Guess it’s going to be a matter of finding the right combination of what to take or not to take. I’ve come to the conclusion that medicine is a horribly wonderful thing. Have you paid attention lately to drug ads? If you listen closely to the whole host of side effects of a medication, you begin to wonder if all the side effects are worth attempting to get rid of your original problem. That’s what I struggle with now. Is the chemo worth it? I don’t want to take the chance of not doing the chemo, but at this point, I really don’t want to go through all the horrible side effects of the chemo. I feel like the reason I’m getting so sick is because I’m actually healthy. All of this treatment is preventive because of my age and I don’t want to be careless, but, oh well, no need to go on and on.
Anyway, I need to rest – in peace. I need to rest in peace at night when I feel sad and I need to rest in peace during painful side effects and I need to rest in peace while the IV’s of helpful poison enter my body and I need to rest in peace when I cannot eat and continue to get weak and I need to rest in peace when my children don’t sleep and I need to rest in peace when I feel like this journey is too much.
Seth also needs to rest in peace. He is carrying a heavy load right now. I am basically unable to take of my family or my home. The past few weeks I’ve been able to do some things, but certainly couldn’t handle all I used to do. So Seth has had to take on a tremendous amount of responsibilities around the house and with the kids in addition to working his two jobs. School has been pushed beyond the back burner it seems. So many things pulling at him, yet he is doing a wonderful job of taking care of us.
We know that we are not going through the worst thing that could ever happen. This is the hardest thing that has happened to us yet, but it may not be the hardest thing we ever face. But, for now, we just need to rest – in peace.
2 Comments
October 3rd, 2007
at 10:35 pm
(Uncategorized)
Tonight concluded the last visitation for friends and family. We will have Nannie’s funeral tomorrow and her body will be buried. The visitation times have been a great time to visit with old friends and reflect on good times. However, I realized tonight that I have not really grieved yet. I cannot even accurately describe the depth of sorrow I feel. The vast majority of my childhood memories (and beyond) involve my grandparents. Nannie was always there for everything and took millions of pictures. She taught me many things and was always my number one cheerleader. I was able to talk to her quite a bit on Monday and one of the things I told her was that I only hope I can be half the grandmother to my grandchildren as she has been to me. I even said that I would like for my grandchildren to call me Nannie, but I’m not sure I could live up to the name.
The reality of tomorrow is almost more than I can bear right now. There’s something about the finality of the burial that I just can’t seem to handle. However, I do not grieve as one who has no hope. I am already looking forward to the day when I will be reunited with Nannie because we both know Jesus as our Savior. Only now, she knows Him in a way that I can’t yet. What a joyous day it will be when I see them both!
But for now, I really miss my Nannie.
2 Comments
October 1st, 2007
at 10:31 pm
(Uncategorized)
Today at 1:18 pm my precious grandmother passed away peacefully with my grandfather and dad at her bedside. Many of us family members had been there all day and had been able to talk to her and tell her we how much we loved her. She would occasionally open her eyes some, but was unable to respond to us. We feel that she was able to hear us. We had all stepped out of the room except for my dad and Poppie when she passed away. We are all full of sorrow, but yet joy at the same time. We all know that today Nannie went to be with her Lord and Savior and will never be in pain again.
Please keep our family in your prayers during this time. Visitation will be at Memorial Park Funeral Home in Gainesville on Tuesday, October 2 from 5 -7 pm and Wednesday, October 3 from 7 – 9 pm. The funeral will be Thursday, October 4 at 11 am at First Baptist Church Chapel in Gainesville.
2 Comments