Breaking the silence AGAIN
I have been asked several times (ok…just by family!) when I was going to put something on my blog again. I started something long ago and never finished (the story of my life). So, I finally just posted what I had written. Tonight I will try to write a little more, but words do not come easily anymore. They’ve somewhat gone from flowing like water to bearing the resemblance of molasses. I’ve had a range of emotions that I feel hesitant to share and with chemo brain, I just can’t think of how to actually say things.
Chemo brain is a real thing, by the way. I had one person who didn’t believe me until I explained that not only had I read about it, but the chemo nurses joke about it all the time. Chemo makes you very forgetful. I often cannot recall people’s names or cannot think of the word I’m trying to say. Or sometimes, wrong words will just come out or I’ll stutter or stammer some trying to have a conversation. One time I handed one of my children some clothes and said, “Go put this in your mirror.” It was quite comical for some time, but now on occasion it frightens me that I will not ever get those cherished brain cells back.
In addition to chemo brain, I continue to deal with the neuropathy in my hands and now my feet. I have “gastrointestinal disturbances” as the nurse practioner put it, plus the usual fatigue. Sometimes I break out with sores (not big ones) on my shoulders and back. They don’t do much but itch a little, so I’m thankful for that. I have other aches and pains associated with the chemo. Generally, things get better during my “off” week and I go back to work and attempt to carry on as normal as possible. However, I just don’t have the energy to do everything I really need to do. It usually works out that I spend the week of treatment in bed and the next week trying to catch up from treatment week. During the week that I go back to work, that is about all I can do. Sometimes I’m able to run an errand or two, but not with the kids. That requires too much effort!
I only have 3 more treatments left. The doctor reduced my overall treatment by one so that I could still hopefully finish by Spring Break. I have been a chemo reject twice with my counts being too low to receive treatment. After this last treatment, I got a shot to hopefully boost my white blood cell count. He said that the effects of all the radiation and chemo are making it harder for my body to recover each time. I am looking forward to all of this being over, but yet have a weird feeling about it too. I’ve read about this experience from other people, but now am feeling it for myself. As long as you are receiving treatment, you feel like you are combatting the cancer in some way. You are actually doing something. But then, when you finish you feel like you are just waiting for the cancer to show back up. I even hesitate to call myself a survivor just yet. It’s almost scary to say survivor in reference to myself. I do not live in fear and it doesn’t worry me so much that I can’t function, but it is always in the back of my mind like once this is over, I’ll just be waiting for the next bomb to drop on us.
But through it all, the Lord has been so faithful. He has shown us His love for us in many, many ways. I am often overwhelmed by the cards and gifts we’ve received and then am equally overwhelmed with guilt for not sending thank you notes or acknowledging all these expressions of love. I do not take them lightly at all. I’ve just gotten so far behind I don’t even know where to start. Plus, on my treatment weeks, I don’t do much at all and then on my non-treatment weeks, I go back to work. I feel like I’m just making excuses. I wish I had stayed on top of things, but I didn’t.
Well, enough for now. This doesn’t even scratch the surface, but it will have to do. I’m really tired and the week starts tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get back in the blogging world more regularly…we’ll see.