Catching up…
I didn’t actually start my blog until Monday night, July 1. However, you wouldn’t know that because I changed the time stamp to read June 28. I wanted to be able to keep my thoughts, as well as the actual events in order. Now I feel the need to catch up to speed, so here goes…..
After the initial diagnosis, the whirlwind began. I had all the other tests done and had still been able to remain fairly calm. I tend to handle major things fairly well. But, heaven forbid, if my children spill a drink at the table or my husband leaves dirty clothes on the floor. It’s time to get out the Valium! I would, at times, feel the emotion begin welling up deep within and my eyes becoming slightly moist and I would blink it away and think, “No! Not now! I need to get through the next thing.” It was very interesting that cancer seemed to be all around us. I walked into the small waiting room to drink my very delicious cocktail for my liver scan and there was a magazine with the HUGE headline – “How I live with cancer.” Now, lest you think I am being sarcastic about the cocktail…when you haven’t eaten for a day and a half and it is 10:30 am and you have had nothing to drink since midnight, that cocktail tastes pretty doggone good! Anyway, I did bring myself to read the article and it was very enlightening. I tried to focus on the word “live.”
I cannot begin to explain the peace that I felt that day. Could that be why it is called the peace that passes understanding? I know that it was directly from the Lord. Now although I had prayed and felt the presence of the Lord like I have not in a longer time than I care to remember, what came to my mind as I sat in the x-ray room was actually a country song. Yes, a country song! All I could think of was Tim McGraw’s song, “Live Like You Were Dyin’.” It goes…”I went sky divin’; I went rocky mountain climbing; I went 2.7 seconds on bull named Fumanchu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I’ve been denyin’. Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dyin’.” Now obviously I still think that I’ll be living because I’m still working on the “spoke sweeter” and “forgiveness” part! But that’s what came to my mind.
I have to say the day went fairly well. As well as any day can that you just been told that you have cancer anyway. But, slowly but surely the sun faded and the shadows of evening came creeping into the sky. As sure as it got dark outside, my mind and heart and emotions began to feel equally as dark. As the events of the day began to sink in, it became more difficult for me to breathe. I felt as though a 100 pound weight had just been placed upon my chest and the room was closing in on me. I was overcome and began sobbing. It wasn’t so much the fact that I have cancer. It’s that fact that I have a husband and three small children and I have cancer.
As I tried to sleep Thursday night, I could only begin to plan…I’ve got to get the kids’Â scrapbooks caught up; I need to write personal notes to each of them; I need to make sure to tell Seth to find someone the total opposite of me when I’m gone – you know, like Betty Crocker Barbie or something. I wanted everyone to be taken care of when I was gone. On and on my thoughts ran…finally exhausted, I fell asleep.